I’m writing this on the eve of my trip to New York City and I’m a mixed bag of emotions. My house has been empty for the entire day so I’ve had a lot of time to think. While I’m honestly very excited to spend the summer in the city, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. As much as I wish I could easily do new things, change of any kind is hard for me. EVEN exciting change.
Some people thrive off hange but I tend to hide. I think (?) it’s more common than people tend to admit but because we only show our highlight reels, the homesickness, stress and tough times get left out. Understandable. It almost sounds ungrateful to be nervous about an incredibly opportunity such as studying abroad, traveling, starting college, moving, getting married, etc. Who knows, maybe I’m alone in this. If that’s the case, I refuse to be embarrassed for admitting my feelings, as silly or weird as they may be. Newsflash, feelings are weird and sometimes don’t make sense.
Luckily (I guess), I know this reaction is normal for me. But the difference this time compared to when I started college and moved (my biggest unknowns/changes), is that I’m not nervous about my ability to handle the unknown. I know I can handle what comes my way, even if I don’t know what exactly it will be.
Instead of fearing the unknown I want to see it as a chance for opportunity and growth. Yeah, yeah, that’s a nice sentiment but it doesn’t mean anything unless I put it into action. Walk the walk. I’m a very realistic person so I know it’s naive to think I’ll never fear the unknown again, but that’s not my longterm goal. My longterm goal is to be less resistant to change. To not wander down a rabbit hole of worries and fears. To catch myself before my thoughts turn negative. To (somehow) feed off the butterflies in my stomach and use them to my advantage, because I don’t think those are going away soon.
I’m expecting to feel homesick at times (I got spoiled seeing my family every day for 3 weeks) and I don’t doubt that I’ll have a mini-meltdown or two, but regardless of those feelings I know I made the right choice. And if I question that, I’ll just take a walk in Central Park and I have a feeling that will set me straight.
Kind of a heavy post for a Monday, sorry.