I didn’t plan to write this post. Actually, I already had a true Thinking Out Loud (aka random) post ready to publish today. But you know when something hits you and you want to write in the moment? That’s right now…or Wednesday night at 8 p.m.
Something that really irks me (irks is a weird word, by the way) is when you theoretically do everything right but don’t get the outcome you desire. I’m a classic Type-A in the sense that I purposely follow certain steps or a specific schedule with the intention of accomplishing a goal. Whether that’s a day-to-day check-list or a more lengthy process like studying for an exam or training for a race, I’ve always tried to do the “right” things. The things that will get me to where I want to be.
Over the last few month I’ve learned many times that even when you do the supposed “right” things, success isn’t guaranteed. More than that, what is “right” will change with time and circumstances. Side note: I’m pretty sure I’ve written a variation of this post a few different times (and talked about oversharing here)…chances are it will happen again.
Enough generic talk….
The last two weeks have been kind of rough for me. I’m not looking for a pity party or sympathy, just telling it like it is. We all go through highs, lows and mediums (“blahs”) and I’m not a special snowflake in that sense.
When it comes to arguably the two biggest focuses in my life right now, my health and the job search (an odd paring, right?), I’ve felt discouraged by the lack of concrete success. Last month I wrote the post “Good Energy,” and I’m torn between feeling hypocritical and inspired by what I said. I fully believe that things happen for a reason and in due time, however, it’s not all roses and rosé along the way. It’s more like cacti and hard apple cider. Not awful things, but not what you typically want.
While I feel GENERALLY better, my gut isn’t 100% healed like I had hoped at this point. I still have some flare-ups and discomfort, despite following a strict protocol and health regime. I just want to be done with feeling iffy. Then when it comes to the job search, even after months of constant applications and interviews I haven’t found a match. The rejection stinks just as much as the feeling of wanting to do more with my daily life.
On paper I’ve done things “right” since kindergarten, but the last few months have been a change in the end-outcome I’m used to. Hello, adulthood? Truthfully, it’s adding up to be a punch in the (not-perfectly-healed) gut. A punch in that type of gut hurts more than normal, or so I’d like to think.
Am I overreacting? Possibly. I admittedly could do a much better job at keeping this in perspective. I also don’t say this to complain because, let’s be honest, my “problems” are minuscule in the grand scheme. I say this because, as someone who is a perpetual rule-follower, I’m learning that “even the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”<–A quote from one of my favorite books. You can plan and prepare to no-end and still have a bump in the road. You can intend to do taks X, Y and Z and end up doing task S. You can be perfect on paper but still not get into Harvard. That is normal. It’s also part of what makes the eventual “success” and mini-wins feel so good. A very grown-up realization, I suppose.
And no, I didn’t apply to Harvard. Ha!
There is no Emerald City at the end of this post or my journey, or even concrete “success.” It’s just about learning from the past and moving forward. <– That’s a very preachy, generic statement for me to write. Feels weird.
Now, to end this Thinking Out Loud on a positive note, I’m trying to reverse this blah feeling by acknowledging the progress I have made. It’s way too easy to be hard on ourselves in so many aspects of life. Guilty as charged.
Prayer, patience and perseverance will go a long way. And the occasional alliteration never hurt either.