This post is raw and a little random. There’s more I want to say but here’s a start
I resisted regret for years. I never wanted to admit that, if given the option, I might change or take back certain decisions I had previously made. Living in a society filled with outspoken and proud young adults, who cower from admitting they’ve done something unintentional, I felt the pressure to conform to my peers. I tried to adopt the cliché thinking that everything happened for a reason. I tried to think “#YOLO.” I tried to ignore my feelings of remorse. Nothing worked, until I accepted regret.
While I’ve learned from my decisions and don’t discount those lessons, knowing what I know now, I wish certain things had gone differently. It doesn’t mean I should or could have done anything differently, it means I wish I had. I think it’s a natural feeling to learn from experiences and then wish to have avoided consequences all together. Who wouldn’t want to have things work out the best way possible?
For me, that decision is choosing to attend my college. I don’t love that I chose a school far away from home, somewhere a million miles out of my comfort zone. A few thousand would have done the trick in this case. Understandably, accepting this or any regret will not take back the results. However, it can help me (and you) solidify values and better prepare for future situations. Indifference toward regret is a disservice to you.
Based on what I know now, yes, I would choose a different school. Don’t confuse that with me not being happy or feeling grateful for my opportunities. My values are crystal clear compared to four years ago and I’m not afraid to admit a so-called weakness in my past. In fact, I admire people who own up to decisions and subsequent results. It takes courage to acknowledge feelings of remorse, especially when people think it’s cool to feel blasé or disinterested. We don’t have to love every single one of our decisions.
There’s a fine line between counterproductive regret and regret that can induce change and awareness. Once you can focus on the latter and recognize that you made a choice you (gasp) regret, you can take that lesson and improve for the future. For me, it would have been going to a more traditional (maybe conservative) school, possibly closer to home. Again, this doesn’t mean I’ve been unhappy for the last 3+ years, it’s just that I’m accepting that you can’t avoid the r-word.
I will always continue to set high standards for myself, but I understand that life will never be perfect. Those ebbs and flows and mixed emotions are natural. They show I care. They show I am learning and growing. They show I am alive.
*Linking up to Thinking Out Loud*
Such a great distinction, I especially love the fact that you point out that owning your decision and realizing it wasn’t always the best one or the one you would make again is something you respect.
I don’t like thinking I regret anything but there are definitely things that I would do differently if I had to choose again.
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Owning up to my decisions has been very freeing. I’d much rather accept and recognize the results of the decision than think “yolo…I’m fine now.” There’s more to it than that.
Great perspective. I also feel I could have done things differently (why did I spend 6 years in school for a major I’m not even using??), but at the same time, I feel like everything I did lead me to this point and was always going to be this way. We can’t change the past or predict the future, so why not just live in the present moment?
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Thank you, Bri :) I could ask myself the same question about my major too…but you’re right, those decisions led us to today so we might as well live in the now.
This is such a great topic. I have regrets we all do. I choose to move on because I cannot change anything that has already happened. I spent many years regretting decisions I made and it took me a long time to realize that even thinking about it is ruining my present day. I live for now because life is too short. Thanks
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Thanks, Heather! I agree that life is too short to dwell on the past. But if we are aware of those past regrets it can help us feel more confident in our future decisions.
I’ve definitely looked back and had regrets in life, though in the end, it all led me to where I am. I can’t imagine being so far from family in college, as college is one of my regrets (not sure if it was the specific college, but I didn’t enjoy my college experience). I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking back and wishing things were different, even if they are working out right now.
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Yes, that’s exactly how I’m feeling! Even if things are OK now, I still look back with questions and a desire for something different. It’s comforting to know you had a similar experience as I did (with college) and are on the brighter side :)
I’ve never actually looked at regret in this way and I love your perspective on it. I always try to make the best decision for myself that won’t lead to regret, but sometimes regret happens anyway and learning to accept it is a start.
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Thanks, Brie! It’s definitely not easy accepting that I won’t love all my decisions (past or future) but it’s a step toward recognizing what I value in life.
I feel like “regret” has such a negative connotation attached to it. I don’t believe regret is always a bad thing. I regret going to college where I did as well, in the sense that I wish I challenged myself a little more instead of playing it safe as far as staying in state and close to home. I also really wish I took the opportunity to travel abroad. But I think that looking back at these experiences have only helped shaped my future choices, and in the big picture, I’m really happy about that. Great post – love that it got me thinking :)
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The negative connotation is what makes me hesitant to talk about it (in person or on the blog). But if we don’t dwell on it and look at the “bigger picture” it doesn’t have to be bad.
I used to live life with so much regret.. I have a fear of missing out on opportunities. That all changed when I went away to Paris and took every chance that came up. I now believe that life is WAY to short to be thinking about what if, and instead.. what is.
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Love how you put that…”think about what is.” Giving me more to think about now!
Love this! I think I had similar thoughts about my college experience – had I known more, I may have made a different choice, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a good experience. I like the idea that everything happens as an experience – whether good or bad, it’s a life lesson.
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Perfectly said. Then it’s like “would I know what I know now WITHOUT this experience?” Could make me crazy thinking that deeply. But yes, everything is a lesson.
You know I have similar feelings about this. Especially now. Had I chosen a school closer to home, I wouldn’t be living so far away now. So if I was doing it all over again, would I do things differently? Absolutely. I do regret where I chose to go to school but that also doesn’t mean I’m always miserable or that I didn’t have some really amazing experiences. It also forced me to grow separately from my family, which was important. I’m kind of in a similar situation now with the decision to stay here, but at the end of the day, there are pros and cons to both decisions. Love this post girl! I absolutely don’t think there’s anything wrong with regretting things.
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Thanks as always for your supportive comments :)
This is so, so interesting and well-put. I like that almost-positive spin on regret. It really does mean that you care about your decisions and the impact they had and have on your life. I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this!
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Thanks, Ellen! That means a lot to me. I know, I feel like I ended kind of abruptly so I will re-address this in the future.
I really like how you looked at regret in terms of self-awareness instead of putting a totally negative connotation on it. I don’t think regret is necessarily a bad thing as long as it’s not something that we dwell on. Wishing we had done things differently isn’t really useful since we can’t go back and change the past, but it’s helpful in as far as it helps us in decisions we make in the future. I still think the best thing we can do is just make the most of whatever we’ve got at the present moment, though.
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Exactly, as long as we don’t dwell on the decision we made and just learn from it, it can be useful.
Wow this hits home with me big time. I totally and 100% agree and I sometimes fall in the trap of feeling guilty for feeling any regret – but that is the kind of unproductive kind because it just paralyzes you. I definitely would do a few things differently if I could, but then again, who knows where I would be today if those things didn’t happen so that’s what stops me from feeling completely shattered from past decisions. I love this post and it’s weird timing because there are a few things I was thinking about this week and feeling “regretful” about, and I realize it’s okay <3
I’m so glad you can relate. Sometimes I feel like I’m rambling away and doing more harm than good in my writing.
I think it’s good to reflect on our past decisions, and possibly regret some of them, as long as we don’t dwell on this regret in a negative sense. I like your perspective of looking at regret in a more positive light, and using it as a way to be introspective and learn from past mistakes. Regret is definitely something that can be used either to bring us down or to build it up, it all depends on how you look at it!
I think regretting decisions can very easily turn into a path of misery and depression IF we let it have that power over us. Why not turn the tables and make it a positive, right?
It is all part of the process. You live and learn. You find out what works and what doesn’t. You never know these things unless you try. We all have regret, but now I look at it as it has pointed me in the right direction as to where I am supposed to be. It has only made me stronger and smarter. XOXO
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I like to think my past has made me stronger. But I’m also not afraid to admit that my choices might be different now. Hindsight 20-20
I can completely relate to this post and if I had the chance, I would never have studied the course I did at the university I attended. The decision was driven by my own character weaknesses; jealously and arrogance to name a couple, but regardless of how bad the experience was, looking back now I realise that it also taught me how to be resilient, determined and also that you don’t have to be perfect 100% of the time.
I love the way you channel regret as a positive tool for future decisions but it definitely takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to adopt this mindset rather than one that is ultimately counter productive. xx
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I always figure, I can regret something I did or didn’t do, but I have no idea what the change would have done for me. The different approach or choice could have done great things, or caused other issues. You just never know.
The older I get, I just look at it as a part of my personal journey. God leads us on certain paths and we just don’t know the reasons a good deal of the time. Disappointments are a part of life, but we have to think that there’s something better down the road.
Le sigh. Regret is hard. It’s a slippery slope for sure and while it’s okay to have sometimes, it’s good to really take your perspective and own up to it. Hindsight is everything and you just have to trust that the things you did X years ago were right at the time! Believe me, I spent many a days wishing I had figured things out earlier and would not have to be going backkkk to school right now, but am happy I found out now instead of later!
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Every time I start to regret things (student loans, ugh), I have to remind myself: I wouldn’t be here if not for that decision. It helps shift my perspective.
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You do such a great job sorting out your feelings and articulating your thoughts, Emily! I always enjoy reading these types of posts. I probably couldn’t even articulate my deeper feelings (about most things!) if I tried, so I really admire that!!
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I love this post- this is truly a different view on regret that I have seen and its quite refreshing. I think so many people (including myself) say that they try to live their life with “no regrets”. While this may seem like a positive thing, I think that it is difficult to not have any regrets. Or then there are some people who say that they don’t have any regrets because then their life would not be how it is today. While I may not have too many big regrets, I can’t say if I was given the chance that I wouldn’t go back and do some things differently- and that is totally ok with me! I think regret helps you grow, learn, and realize what you really want out of life so you can make different decisions in the future.
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Thanks for your comment, Kerri. I think it can be healthy to recognize regrets and learn from them. Especially compared to just dismissing them as “they made me who I am today,” which, although very very true, is the surface of the experience.
I think that learning from regrets is the most important and making sure that you don’t follow that same mindset again. Life is long and exciting and scary and sometimes you need to do something big to make yourself whole again.
i very much can relate to this post. i always think its odd for people to say they have no regrets ? really ? none ? i mean i permed my hair in the 80s! come on : )
but seriously…if you dont think of what you would do differently from the past how can you grow ? I’d also like to say its so nice to read some of these comments about peoples “regrets” of college as i am a bit that way. it all turned out fine but sometimes i feel like everyone around me loved college and is all “it was the best time of my life, etc” and im secretly thinking inside “if that was the best time of my life $%#@ I dont have much to look forward too ! ” of course we cant see how it would have turned out had we made a different decision but its always good to consider it for the future….cuz u know maybe we will all go back to college someday and get it right ! fat chance Im sure !