I didn’t plan to write this post. Actually, I already had a true Thinking Out Loud (aka random) post ready to publish today. But you know when something hits you and you want to write in the moment? That’s right now…or Wednesday night at 8 p.m.
Something that really irks me (irks is a weird word, by the way) is when you theoretically do everything right but don’t get the outcome you desire. I’m a classic Type-A in the sense that I purposely follow certain steps or a specific schedule with the intention of accomplishing a goal. Whether that’s a day-to-day check-list or a more lengthy process like studying for an exam or training for a race, I’ve always tried to do the “right” things. The things that will get me to where I want to be.
Over the last few month I’ve learned many times that even when you do the supposed “right” things, success isn’t guaranteed. More than that, what is “right” will change with time and circumstances. Side note: I’m pretty sure I’ve written a variation of this post a few different times (and talked about oversharing here)…chances are it will happen again.
Enough generic talk….
The last two weeks have been kind of rough for me. I’m not looking for a pity party or sympathy, just telling it like it is. We all go through highs, lows and mediums (“blahs”) and I’m not a special snowflake in that sense.
When it comes to arguably the two biggest focuses in my life right now, my health and the job search (an odd paring, right?), I’ve felt discouraged by the lack of concrete success. Last month I wrote the post “Good Energy,” and I’m torn between feeling hypocritical and inspired by what I said. I fully believe that things happen for a reason and in due time, however, it’s not all roses and rosé along the way. It’s more like cacti and hard apple cider. Not awful things, but not what you typically want.
While I feel GENERALLY better, my gut isn’t 100% healed like I had hoped at this point. I still have some flare-ups and discomfort, despite following a strict protocol and health regime. I just want to be done with feeling iffy. Then when it comes to the job search, even after months of constant applications and interviews I haven’t found a match. The rejection stinks just as much as the feeling of wanting to do more with my daily life.
On paper I’ve done things “right” since kindergarten, but the last few months have been a change in the end-outcome I’m used to. Hello, adulthood? Truthfully, it’s adding up to be a punch in the (not-perfectly-healed) gut. A punch in that type of gut hurts more than normal, or so I’d like to think.
Am I overreacting? Possibly. I admittedly could do a much better job at keeping this in perspective. I also don’t say this to complain because, let’s be honest, my “problems” are minuscule in the grand scheme. I say this because, as someone who is a perpetual rule-follower, I’m learning that “even the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”<–A quote from one of my favorite books. You can plan and prepare to no-end and still have a bump in the road. You can intend to do taks X, Y and Z and end up doing task S. You can be perfect on paper but still not get into Harvard. That is normal. It’s also part of what makes the eventual “success” and mini-wins feel so good. A very grown-up realization, I suppose.
And no, I didn’t apply to Harvard. Ha!
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There is no Emerald City at the end of this post or my journey, or even concrete “success.” It’s just about learning from the past and moving forward. <– That’s a very preachy, generic statement for me to write. Feels weird.
Now, to end this Thinking Out Loud on a positive note, I’m trying to reverse this blah feeling by acknowledging the progress I have made. It’s way too easy to be hard on ourselves in so many aspects of life. Guilty as charged.
Prayer, patience and perseverance will go a long way. And the occasional alliteration never hurt either.
Oh, Em, know that you are not alone. I can’t go into it more here, but email me and we can talk it out.
What I want to encourage you to do right now, while you are going through all of this, is to focus on the experiences that you are having. Because THAT is what you will be looking back at. I’ve laid all the best plans, only for them all to go awry. I’ve been in you shoes (literally, the same ones!), and I know your frustration. But hang in there. Reach out and seek support–it is the people who love you who can support you. Lean on them. Just because things aren’t terrible doesn’t mean that they are where you want to be and that you have to go through things alone.
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Your comments are always so thoughtful and just what I need to hear. Leaning on my loved ones for support has been incredibly helpful for me. Thank you, as always, for being a bright light in this blog world.
Story of my life. I was the kid who ALWAYS did what I was told, was always on time, always did the right things, but I would always be the one to get screwed over while others can do everything wrong and nothing bad ever happens, no bad consequences. It can be rather disheartening at times so I’ve slowly learned not to expect anything, any praise. As long as I know I did good and feel good and am trying…that’s all I can control.
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I don’t necessarily think I’ve been “screwed over” but I’m learning first-hand that, while I’m fortunate in so many ways, things that once came easy are giving me a run for my money. Good point on focusing on what you CAN do, and feeling good about that :)
Oh gosh. this is definitely a post I think SO MANY people can identify! In terms of leaving school and going into a job I was lucky that I had been interning at a place that wanted to hire me right out of graduation, but my brother spent months looking for a job after school. And then he found one in the field he was working and hated it. Now he works doing something by chance that has NOTHING to do with his degree and is happier than ever.
As for not healing like you expected, it’s definitely hard especially when you notice good results in the beginning. I cut out sugar to help with my skin issues and while at first it was like a miracle fix, it seems to be wearing off. While there is improvement, it’s not the all-consuming fix I had hoped. It definitely makes it a bit harder when you know that the changes you made benefitted you, but can’t help but wonder if it’s “worth” it.
I’ve heard from a lot of people who don’t work in the field they imagined (or studied) and I have a feeling that could happen for me down the line. Truthfully, I’m even branching out from what I majored in and heading toward my minor. And yes, seeing good results in the beginning and then having them dip off…not fun! It’s frustrating but I hope I just need more time.
I can totally relate to this. It always bothered me that I was the one who always followed all the rules in school and life, and it seemed like other people were getting better opportunities than me. One example is that in high school I applied for this huge national scholarship from Pepsi and made it to the final round. There was an essay portion and I spent so much time writing the perfect essay. The scholarship for Pennsylvania ended up going to another kid at my school, who got the guidance counselor to write his essay. That really irritated me, but it was always more important to me to do the right thing than to get success or money or whatever. I always tell myself that the good will always prevail, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment. Keep on your path and good things will happen for you Emily!!
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“The good will prevail.” SO simple but just what I needed to hear in this moment. Thank you for your support and reassurance :)
I think so many people can relate to this post. It can be frustrating when the work you are doing doesn’t always get you the end result you worked for. We were always told “if you work hard then you will accomplish” it which sadly doesn’t always turn out to be the case. Hang in there! I always find comfort in connecting with my friends & family. They often have felt the same way & can relate!
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It really isn’t a linear process…something very different from my experience of “study for this test —> get an A.” Thank you so much, Kerri! My family and friends have been incredibly supportive.
I can relate to this post on so many levels (hello extreme rule follower in school, and even to this day) and I think the biggest thing is to look at everything you have accomplished at this point so far. If you look back there is probably nothing you would change that would get you to where you want to be now. You have done what you can and now it is just taking time to just get to that next step. I know it is coming for you, it is just taking longer than I know you would probably like it to. Keep doing your thing! It is amazing the progress you have made with healing your gut so far!
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You are the best, Brie. Thank you so much for your support <3 I'm really trying to look at the progress. One of those "progress not perfection" type situations, I suppose :)
Oh gosh, as so many people have already said, this is SO relatable. I’m studying biology in school, and for the longest time I thought I wanted to go into research. Well oddly enough, I didn’t get a research job this summer, but I got a job working for a nonprofit and I actually love it, even though it wasn’t what I thought I wanted. You’re so right; setbacks do make success that much sweeter. Just keep on keeping on, and the right opportunity for you will come up! <3
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I’m so happy that you found a new career field you love! That’s very encouraging. Truthfully, I think I will eventually end up in a career different from my major, but who knows when!
Yet another thing I feel like we have in common! Although we are at slightly different places in our lives, I’ve been struggling with this exact same thing lately. I plan everything out, but lately things haven’t been going as planned at all and its so hard to deal with. I have to keep reminding myself that what is meant to be will be and I’m doing all that I can. Chin up, you’ll get through this and be even stronger!
I think I felt this way last semester with my stress fracture, too. I had put in the training and thought I was doing the “right” thing (I know you get that too!). Even though this is different, hopefully we can harness that attitude to get through.
Have I mentioned we’re twins? Because we’re twins. I’ve done what’s “right” since I was a kid, and now… it feels like I don’t know what’s right or it’s not working out or something.
And I know all about medical fixes working for a while and then just NOT. That’s extra frustrating because if nothing else, you’d at least like to feel good, right? And the stress you feel when it doesn’t work is no help – such a vicious cycle. But know that you’re 100% not alone. Absolutely send me an email if you ever want to vent or get a little boost of encouragement. I know good things are coming for you, my friend. Sending hugs!
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I’m glad (but sorry) that you can relate. Why don’t we live closer together?! I know 100% that stress influences how I feel, so it’s a double whammy in that sense.
So many can identify with your struggle. Just no that you are NOT alone in this. Praying for you and hoping your gut issues lessen. Keep the faith girl! Sending my love
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Thank you so much, Alyssa! I’m relying on my faith more than ever.
I feel you on this and have tried to write similar posts. You wrote so perfectly the way I’ve felt many times. I was in your shoes job-wise when I graduated college. I worked my butt off from preschool through college. I chose a difficult major, had several internships, and graduated at the top of my class in both high school and college. I was the student-athlete, held leadership positions, and volunteered frequently. Yet that didn’t translate to a job. Our generation is told that if we work hard, we’ll get our dream job. But that’s not the reality. My mom is always like, “oh but you’re so qualified, you’ll get the job.” No, mom. There are thousands of people out there far more qualified than I am with a way more impressive resume that probably interview better than me. When I was starting to look for jobs before I left AOL, I was again realizing that the “experience” I thought I had actually wasn’t what companies were looking for. It’s not easy to accept all of that.
I will say that if you’re patient, the right job will come around. Maybe it’s not the perfect dream job, but a job will fall into your lap that will at least be a step in the right direction to your dream job. That’s how I’m looking at my life right now. I know where I want to be, and I’m taking steps to get to that “dream.”
TLDR; things WILL work out for you. You work hard, you have this blog that can be used as a huge selling point, and you’re doing what you need to do. As for your health, I can’t relate to that as much but I have no doubt you’ll find an answer and see improvements with that too. Text me anytime- I’ve been in your shoes twice now!
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Another example of how we are the same person…you just go through things two years ahead of me. I hate the fact that there are thousands of people more qualified than me searching for jobs. In this case, I wish I was a special snowflake lol. Patience has been key and a huge wake-up call/lesson for me. Who knew I could experience so many emotions in a period of six months?!
I remember graduating from college with a degree in education and figuring with my personality and grades, I’d land a job in no time. But nope, never happened. Rejection is SO hard. But I’ve found there are better things out there. I’m not sure if I am fine with not teaching or not, but I can always go back. I’m learning soooo much that patience is hard but such a great quality to be ok with. I’m challenged every single day to be patient. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t ;) ha
It’s crazy how important patience is…and something I’ve never really had to learn until now. A big key for me has been understanding that not every day has to be perfect when it comes to the job search or my health. As long as I’m making slow but steady steps in the right direction.
I was job hunting for nearly six months at the end of last year/beginning of this year, and it was one of the most demoralizing processes of my entire life. I’ve always done everything “right” and expected success to follow accordingly. I worked hard in school -> I got all As. I put a lot of effort into developing my musical skills when I was in middle school and high school -> I was first chair in band. I proved myself in an internship -> I got a full time job offer in my field six months before I graduated from college. When I was looking for a new job (to get out of the one I got straight out of college), I applied to I think around 115 jobs? I know for sure I applied to more than 100. I got interviews with eight or so places out of those 100+ applications, and made it to the second round at a few of those places, and ultimately got told no by all but one of them (which worked out just fine, since I really liked the place that didn’t tell me no and ended up hiring me!). It was extremely discouraging and disheartening, and made me question everything: was I not competent enough? Had I wasted the past 3.5 years of my professional life building irrelevant skills? I felt like I had done everything right, but nothing was coming through, and it SUCKED. It sucked even more because I was completely unfamiliar with that kind of experience. I thought doing the “right thing” always meant you got rewarded accordingly: work hard, reap the benefits. But I learned the hard way that that’s not the case. Things did eventually work out, like I mentioned, but it was definitely a struggle and not a fun experience at all. Hang in there! You’ll get through this!
Bethany, thank you for sharing your story! Realistically I know I’m not alone, but it’s nice to hear a similar situation first-hand. This is a disheartening experience, that’s for sure. I have faith I’ll get to where I want to be eventually, but until then thank you for reassuring me that this phase ends.
Girl, you are not alone! I totally get this… I’ m a classic Type A person who has had my life planned out since I was a little girl, so when we get thrown curveballs it can shake us up. I know when you’re going through a difficult time, when people say “things always work themselves out” it can be really frustrating because it isn’t helping your current situation. But seriously, if I’ve learned anything it’s that life doesn’t always go as planned and that’s okay! During the hard times, you grow stronger!
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I’ve heard the “things always work out” statement a lot lately, but I know it’s true. More than that, I know people have good intentions when saying it…even if it doesn’t help in this moment.
Yes, I was such a rule follower in school too. Like to a T. Have you listened to the podcast called Millennial? I just started it this week and am OBSESSED. It just talks about how weird and confusing our twenties are and how life after college is a total venture of its own. I even teared up at it the other day…… haha. I’m wishing you all the best!!
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No, I haven’t heard of that one! Will subscribe to it now. Thank you so much for the suggestion!
I feel you. (Ps. Hi! I’m new here) I’ve often found myself in the situation where I felt like I was gaining momentum yet it seemed like “nothing” was happening. I’ve learned that it’s ALWAYS happening, and when you’re certain of the outcome, you can afford to wait and wait without anxiety.
Hi Jo! Thanks for your comment (and for stopping by!). That’s a lot like how I feel. A serious roller coaster where I get a lead for a job and everything seems ti be going well (interviews) but then nothing happens. I’m very fortunate that I’m not in a pressure-filled situation to hurry up and get a job, so I can wait and ride out this process.
I can’t tell you how much I feel the exact same way. Even with all the great things I’m doing right now to get to my goal, getting there is not happiness everyday. When I get really down, I think about how lucky I am to have what I have and how much worse life could be. Just know you’re not alone and you will get through it!
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Yes! I can so relate to having great things in my life and making positive strides but not having every day filled with happiness. It really could be worse (my parents are amazingly supportive and not pressuring me) so I realize I’m lucky in that sense. Thank you for your support.
Hang in there! I graduated college without a job and ultimately took the first thing that came along. Finding the right match is KEY!!!! It wasn’t until 4 years later that I realized how I wished I had taken the time to really figure it all out. Life has a funny way of working out.
The blah feeling is so frustrating, Keep chugging through and go for some really long runs! That always helps :)
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I think I’ll look back on this stage and be glad I took the time to figure things out (not that I’ll have anything technically figured out, but you know what I mean!). Thank you for your support, Kristin!
I feel ya. I was the same way and did everything “right” and worked my butt off all through school. But I graduated when the economy was tanked and it took years to get to the place I expected to be in right after graduation. It’s hard not to be filled with self-pity at times like that when it really does feel like a punch in the gut. What I learned is it’s okay to feel that way! If anything, these experiences at least give us an incomparable sense of gratitude and appreciation when things finally start going “according to plan” more or working out better outside of the plan. Focusing on your progress and going a little easier on yourself is the perfect way to move forward!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Leslie! I love that last part…I think I am gaining a sense appreciation for when things DO work out (even the little things).
You have so much going for you and so much to look forward to – but I know even being in that position you can still feel frustrated like everything is up in the air and you don’t have control over what you want to, especially when it comes to your health. For a really long time I felt like if I found certain parts of my life or they became stable, everything else would fall into place, but if the past year since graduation has taught me anything it’s that there is ALWAYS going to be stuff that’s frustrating and stressful and begging for answers you just don’t have, so keeping a little perspective and knowing always what really matters is critical :)
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Good point! Deep down I know that even once I get a job or figure out my health there will be other “issues” and stresses to face. In that case, learning how to maintain a positive perspective is a necessary lesson.
I completely agree that sometimes, you may follow everything just right, but God knows what He wants us to learn. Sometimes it’s a bit different from what we think. This is really relatable, because I’m kind of a 50% rule follower/50% not, and Emily, I think that the greatest thing is how honest and transparent you are with your struggles.
I wanted to share one of my absolute favorite passages especially when I’m struggling with uncertainty and rejection. Psalm 46:1-7, ‘God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
4 There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
6 The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.’
Nothing can pluck you from His hands. <3
Thank you for sharing those passages, Em <3
I’m exactly like you in that I’m type A, I believe there is a “right” way to do things, and often find myself coming up short (and frustrated) when I “followed the instructions” but it didn’t turn out right. I became a mom last year and motherhood has been the single biggest thing that has shown me that we really really don’t have control over as much as we think we do. As much as you can try to parent your child the “right” way, kids are their own people and make their own choices and as a mom, I just can’t control that.
I have been in a funk lately too because I’ve been living out a hotel for two months while we wait for our house to close. I’ve just been trying to remind myself that funks are temporary and that they help us grow. They’re not fun, but they are a necessary part of living, I suppose.
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“Funks are temporary and help us grow” <-- YES! As for control, I think it will be a life-long process of learning to let go of it. Part of me feels like if I do more or do "better" I will be fully in the driver's seat (and get THE job). But that type of pressure is unnecessary and adds additional stress.
Thank you for being so honest. I absolutely relate – I have changed the way I eat, I know how and when to be positive but nothing is working. I am stuck at a job I hate because I need a paycheck, but it’s not my passion and the inability to find the perfect match is frustrating. It is causing my flare ups to come back and I have severe migraines, bloating and stomach discomfort. The stress has caused me to gain a lot of weight in a short amount of time and I feel like I’ve taken a giant leap backwards against all of my hard work this year to feel better. My thoughts are with you because I’m there. Just know you have a huge support system in this community behind you!!!
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through a funk too. Stress is really so awful and I know that doesn’t help my stomach. I had so much progress earlier this year that a step-back now (after time, effort and money) seems like the end of the world. I know it’s not but it’s a tough blow. Thinking about you <3
I love these posts of yours Emily. I was 100% a follower at school. I got trampled on pretty easily which sucks. I’ll be praying that your gut heals and your job situation sorts itself out!
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Thanks, Megan :) I really appreciate your kind words!
Girl, I totally understand how you’re feeling because I’m very much the same as you – and I definitely have some of the same issues (our insides are totally matchy matchy). Being type A and very much a rule follower, there’s times where I feel like i’m doing everything perfectly perfect and 110% right and that success doesn’t come – or I don’t see the results I hoped for.
Like with my stomach – I would eat perfectly and make sure I was eating lots of iron only to see my iron levels constantly falling and being hooked up to IVs for infusions because my stomach simply couldn’t absorb any iron.
That’s when I realised, I can try all I like to do things “right” – but at the end of the day, I’m not actually the one who’s in control; God is.
But don’t get me wrong, there’s still times where i have a big ol’ cry and woe is me moment – but those are getting further and further apart because I’m realising that life isn’t perfect and it’s not supposed to be!
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Kristy- thank you for sharing this with me! Life is not supposed to be perfect, you’re so right. These little funks are natural and there’s no formula for success.
i am with you here. i also am still somehow shocked that when i do all the right things i dont get the result i want. i have a feeling i will write this same sentence when im 80 as i dont see my planner/type a personality changing much. for me the bad side of this is that when things dont go my way i totally swing the other way and get all blah and depress-y and think why bother to plan at all. i probably need to be more even keeled and less all or nothing but knowing me i would have to plan how to do that and the result would not be as good. hahahaha. i do find i am a little bit better with things like trips or events. i used to think if i would plan the perfect trip or party or whatever then it would just happen. and when it wasn’t perfect i assumed it was poor planning and prep. now i realize things that involve other people in particular (or weather – hello!) i need to have lower expectations since i cannot control others and they tend to have a bigger impact on things than i originally realize. i wish you the best of luck. just let yourself feel all the feels and no need to minimize them or compare to others with worse problems.